


real sham for pain friends

by MelodramaticMrTails



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: M/M, Oral Sex, Strap-Ons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:50:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8501308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodramaticMrTails/pseuds/MelodramaticMrTails
Summary: The lads set Jeremy up on a blind date that goes better than he ever expected. Unfortunately. [a cross post]





	

When the lads tried to set him up on this date, Jeremy never foresaw it going this well. With all the giggling and laughing they did and Ray’s final, half hearted insistence that he ‘didn’t have to do this’, he figured it was some sort of cruel joke. Of course knowing that, he went anyways because, well, he wanted to show them something he’s not sure what. Now he’s in his date’s fucking bedroom half naked and suddenly exceptionally nervous. He didn’t think he’d make it this far especially after confessing that he was actually a transman and could not actually fuck Ryan into tomorrow.

  
Ryan assured that he could be proven wrong which Jeremy is totally alright with.

  
Hell, he thinks he’d be alright with basically anything as long as Ryan keeps his mouth on his clit. He curls his fingers in Ryan’s dark hair, biting his lip as he eagerly grinds against his face. Actually, he’s changed his mind, he’s not that nervous at the moment. It’s hard to be when Ryan is so good with his tongue. For a guy with the uncanny ability to flub most words, he is incredible with his mouth.

  
“ _Fuck_ ,” Jeremy groans out. He hears Ryan laugh a little, his hot mouth pressed against his labia and his tongue against his clit. It feels like he's going to come any second and he _never_ comes so easily. Usually that takes at least a good strength vib and his favorite porn. Apparently a charming man with a great tongue is an acceptable replacement. To his misfortune, his mobile rings. Jeremy initially ignores it but obviously it bothers Ryan because he stops.

  
“Do you need to get that?” he offers, glancing up from where Jeremy is basically sat on his face. Reluctantly, Jeremy gives it a glance. It's just Michael.

  
“No,” he assures quickly, turning his phone off instead. “It's fine.” It's nothing important and if it is, it's probably not as important as this. Michael knows he had a date today, anyways. He’s probably calling to see how badly things went. Jeremy pawns his phone off on the nearest table. Ryan gets to his feet, much to Jeremy’s displeasure, and grins at him.

  
“We should move to the bed,” he suggests. Jeremy nods eagerly. Ryan’s been such a good guy so far; handsome, charming, polite. If the lad's idea of a joke was thinking Ryan wouldn’t be into someone like Jeremy, that's low even for them. Then again, it's turning out in his favor. He follows Ryan to the bed and Ryan grabs his face softly to kiss him again. Jeremy nearly melts. When he pulls away, Jeremy hesitates a moment.

  
“Um,” he murmurs as Ryan digs through a nearby drawer. “This is awkward, but, like, you're not sick or something, right? Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just, um-”

  
“Sick?” Ryan repeats curiously. He laughs a little. “Not with anything you'll catch,” he assures.

  
“Y-yeah,” Jeremy replies. “Sorry. Just- thought I'd check.” That was stupid and rude of him anyways. Of course Ryan would have told him before hand if that was the case. That's just common courtesy. Ryan gives him a smile and Jeremy smiles back.

  
“Here it is,” he says, finally pulling a dildo out of the drawer with some condoms and lube. Jeremy makes a startled noise. “If it's too big for you, I think I have a smaller one.” It's not that, Jeremy doesn’t think at least, it's just that he's never actually seen a strap on dildo that he intended to use before. Let alone a double sided one. He swallows thickly and Ryan gives him an odd look.

  
“It's fine!” Jeremy assures quickly, deciding he should say something. “You should know I've never done this before.” Ryan just laughs again, a sound that is actually pretty comforting.

  
“Don’t worry, I'll help you,” he promises. Jeremy’s face flushes pink. Ryan pushes his boxers off before he rejoins him on the bed and Jeremy hastily pulls his off as well. It's a little easier to relax when Ryan goes back to kissing and touching him. He palms his chest a little, fingers following his scars, before slowly making their way over the pudgy of his belly and back to his cunt. Ryan kisses his neck hotly as he rubs his fingers between Jeremy’s wet folds. Holy shit, he doesn’t even touch himself like this. Jeremy pants and gasps as Ryan fucks him with his fingers, paying liberal attention to his clit with each move.

  
As nice as it is, and it's so nice, Jeremy is eager to move on to other things. Ryan’s treated him so well tonight, he's looking forward to repaying the favor. Jeremy grasps his arm a little.

  
“Ah. Ryan,” he rasps out. “Can I- fuck you?” In return, Ryan lets out a breathy chuckle right against his ear.

  
“Of course,” he agrees. “Are you ready?” Jeremy nods and when he does, Ryan moves away again. He reaches for the harness and dildo, Jeremy watching curiously as he seems to magically fasten the two together. Once properly joined, Ryan rolls a condom over one end and doses it with lube. He urges Jeremy up onto his knees and rubs the length of it between the lips of his cunt. Jeremy groans faintly, rutting his hips with the sensation of it. He grabs Ryan’s arm to encourage him to a pace Jeremy is comfortable with.

  
Ryan slips the toy into his cunt and Jeremy grunts appreciatively. It might be a bit thicker than he's used to, barely, but with all the prep Ryan did with his tongue and fingers, it feels amazing. He gives it a few shallow thrusts and Jeremy arches forward with a gasp. With a bit of maneuvering, Ryan makes short work of getting the harness clasped together. He moves to kiss Jeremy feverishly on the mouth again, stroking the dildo between his fingers.

  
Proving that there's certainly a reason he's so good with his mouth, Ryan makes no hesitation getting down again. When he runs his tongue along the length of the fake cock, it grinds against Jeremy in a way that makes his knees weak. He grabs a handful of Ryan’s hair as the gent so casually takes the toy into his mouth and down his throat. Obviously he's no stranger to this. While he keeps his mouth busy and Jeremy panting, he fingers himself enthusiastically.

  
Hands down, Jeremy never thought he’d be getting a blowjob with a dildo on a blind date by some handsome fuck. This is generally not how his sexual encounters go.

  
To Jeremy, everything is happening just not enough. He wants to get on with it but he also doesn’t want the night to be over too quickly. Hell, he’s not even sure if Ryan is going to be interested in ever seeing him again after this and if that’s the case, damn if he doesn’t want to make it worth it. When he pulls off, spit clinging to his mouth, Ryan grins with his breath heavy and hot.

  
“Ready?” he asks huskily. Jeremy swallows. Holy shit and he thought Geoff was attractive. He nods a bit more eagerly than he wanted but he really can’t give two shits about that right now. Ryan opens up another condom and rolls it down this end of the dildo before slathering it with lube as well. He climbs onto the bed with Jeremy, wrapping an arm around his neck and kissing him so passionately, Jeremy could see stars.

  
Ryan’s been doing all of the hard work and heavy lifting so far that Jeremy decides it’s finally time he pulls some weight around here. He moves to press back against Ryan a little harder and the gent practically melts. It doesn’t take much to usher him down against the bed, Jeremy reaching down to stroke his erect cock fleetingly enough to make Ryan groan needily. Ryan’s full package personality is topped off, sure enough, with a very full package. Jeremy isn’t sure if he’s jealous or just really, really attracted to Ryan.

  
Once Ryan’s in a nice, comfortable position on his back, his hard cock pressed against his belly, Jeremy settles between his legs. His heart flutters around nervously, still so off guard by Ryan’s such casual attitude towards this. When he seemingly takes too long, Ryan lets out a small groan and parts his thighs just enough to press his fingers against his stretched hole, stroking his cock in his other hand. That gets Jeremy into gear. He shimmies forward closer and pulls one of Ryan’s legs over his hip.

  
As it is, Ryan is a little bigger than him and it makes their position seem more awkward than it really is. Jeremy palms the dildo a bit, every little move making it rub against his already sensitive clit, before pressing the head against Ryan’s hole. He’s sure to watch Ryan’s face closely as he gingerly pushes in, dreading even the most basic of mistakes. These slow movements only cause Ryan to moan wantingly, arched against the bed with sweat on his brow.

  
Jeremy gives a tentative thrust and Ryan gasps in pleasure, tossing his head back and showing off his bruised throat. Every move kicks him hard in the gut too, his eager cunt clenched around the bit of toy in himself and sending little jolts of pleasure down his spine with every thrust. Both wanting to see Ryan moan more and aching to get himself off as well, Jeremy gets a little more confidence. Ryan seems to be, well, oblivious to anything besides pleasure anyways.

  
A harder thrust makes them both gasp. Ryan knots his fingers into the bedsheet beneath him and Jeremy digs his fingers into Ryan’s meaty thighs. As his movements get more feverish, Ryan gets more vocal. Every gravely, hot grunt and groan rolls Jeremy’s stomach in the best of ways. He pants above him, hips stuttering with every move that wracks them both with pleasure.

  
“Oh, Jeremy,” Ryan moans as he wraps his arms around Jeremy’s neck and pulls him down for another kiss. He likes kissing _so_ much. Jeremy replies heatedly, lips and teeth and tongue not harsh but desperate for contact and attention. He grinds his hips in closer and feels Ryan’s fingers clench as he makes a guttural groan.

  
“Fuck, Ryan,” Jeremy grunts back against his mouth. “Fuck.” Ryan rolls his hips towards him, pulling them flush together in a hot tangled mess of limbs. He lets out a croak of a noise, his cock twitching between their bellies, before finally loosening his grip. Cum stripes their skin and a noticeably shiver goes down Ryan’s spine. He tries to catch his breath and Jeremy is too enthralled in his face to really say anything.

  
“Can you get off like this?” Ryan asks between little pants and gasps of breath. The question catches Jeremy a bit by surprise, not having fully expected it. He’s so close and he’s absolutely aching for it but he’s afraid the answer to that is ‘no’. There’s really nothing he wants more than that right now but he just can’t see it happening.

  
“Y-yeah,” Jeremy assures. “I’m good. Wow. So good.” Ryan smiles at him, drawing his fingers through Jeremy’s short hair and leaning up to kiss him again with a pleased hum. He’s pretty sure he’s going to masturbate to this for the rest of his life.

  
“Give me a bit and we can go again,” Ryan murmurs. Holy shit.

  
“Sure!” Jeremy replies perhaps a little too eagerly. He clears his throat quickly. “I mean, yeah. Sounds good.” Ryan just murmurs a small laugh. He supposes it is early in the night still and Jeremy is rather curious as to whether Ryan is as good with his cock as he is with his mouth.

  
\- x -

  
The first thing Jeremy does when he gets up is turn his phone back on. He rubs his face groggily as it goes through the process of booting up and tiredly settles himself on the edge of the bed. Last night was certainly something else. Jeremy doesn’t think he’s ever legitimately had sex all night before despite some partners that claim otherwise. Already he can smell something cooking in the kitchen and Ryan rustling about doing the cooking. Is it bad to ask to go steady after a good first date and even better sex?

  
Jeremy is a little surprised to find forty missed calls on his phone and even more text messages. He scrolls to the top of them to skim through reading them, all of them from the other lads. It starts out simply enough; where are you, why aren’t you answering your phone, you didn’t seriously go on that date did you? The messages get much more frantic and urgent towards the end; you better not be fucking dead Dooley, I’ll fucking skin you if you’re dead, answer your fucking phone!

  
It’s probably a good idea to answer them before they get any more wound on.

  
Lil J: What’s wrong? What happened?  
Mogar: HOLY SHIT JEREMY   
Brownman: why weren’t you answering your phone, dude!   
Free[loader]: We were so worried, jeremy!   
Lil J: What? Why? You guys are the ones that set me up on this date. I’ve been with Ryan all night.  
Mogar: YOU DIPSHIT   
Brownman: ryan is the vagabond jeremy!   
Mogar: How did you not figure that out!! What the hell is wrong with you!  
Lil J: Very funny.   
Free[loader]: This isn’t a joke jeremy! Get out of there!   
Mogar: What the fuck were you even DOING all night!   
Brownman: did the fucking scars not tip you off???

  
Jeremy sweats nervously. Ryan is so sweet and charming, though. Surely he couldn’t be the Vagabond. So what if he has five perfect scars across his lips that Jeremy has literally never seen before on anyone and do, oddly enough, sort of look similar to the Vagabond’s facepaint. It’s not like the Vagabond is a six foot hunk with long- black hair and uh.

  
He has to go.

  
“Jeremy?” Ryan murmurs curiously just as Jeremy has one foot out the window. He let’s out a startled ‘ _haaap_ ’. “What are you doing?”

  
“Uh,” Jeremy replies slowly. “Fresh air?”

  
“Okay,” Ryan says, obviously not convinced by this at all. “Did you want something to eat before you try to sneak out of my window bare ass naked or-?” Jeremy, even slower, pulls his leg back inside the apartment. Alright, so maybe it’s a bit of a drop from here anyways. Besides, there’s no real proof Ryan is the Vagabond.

  
“I panicked,” Jeremy murmurs.

  
“Uh huh,” Ryan says passively. “Breakfast?” Jeremy nods.

  
“Please.”


End file.
